Timewasters
…in your church. How to deal with them. [Interpret as you see fit]
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Dave Walker
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Dave Walker
Signs your church may have gone awry
Full PA system for a congregation of one. Or…
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Rory Grant
Running a children’s programme in the alzheimer’s ward
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Pam Smith
‘Private detectives’ as a budget item
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Richard Hall
The vicar keeps fish in the font
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Dave Walker
Fish in the font is a cert for inclusion – thank you.
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Phill
Copies of George Orwell’s 1984 instead of Bibles.
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Alan
Reserve list for the fabric committee and no one on the Ministry team
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Fr. Aaron Orear
A lot of empty rye bottles in the vicar’s office.
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BlackPhi
A PCC Agenda with two items: 1) ways to proclaim ‘good news’ to the local community; 2) support for C4M’s anti-gay-marriage petition.
To be honest, 2) could be any one of a hundred incredibly inward-looking things.
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Kevin
Spending more on flowers than on the kids work.
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LankyAnglican
is that not just the way most parishes are?
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Kevin
Unfortunately (and unthinkingly) so…
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Richard Huss
You have to put up a sign pointing people to the door, because the big one on the tower isn’t used. (Guilty as charged.)
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Richard Huss
Sacred
to the memory of
Abraham Spooner Lillingston
Esquire
eldest son of Isaac and Barbara Spooner
who took the name and arms of Lillingston
by sign manual upon his marriage
in the year MDCCXCVII.
He died on the XXIX of May MDCCCXXXIV
in the LXIVth year of his age.
Possesed of a peculiarly energetic and investigating mind
he devoted much of his time to scientific and philosophical pursuits.
He had fled to Christ his saviour
for pardon and acceptance with God
and hence his chief aim was to do good both to the souls and
bodies of all around him, and to live to the glory of God
thus preparing daily for death and eternity.
Having received a fatal blow by a tree rolling on him
in the road near Whar Hall in this parish
which stunned him for a time, but perfectly recovering his
senses he lived for about an hour
and though fully aware that he could not long survive
he repeatedly expressed his perfect confidence in his saviour
and his entire resignation to the will of God,
calmly exhorting those around him to seek pardon
through the same blessed redeemer : expressing the
inward consolation which he derived
from dependence on him
and his steadfast trust that the Lord Jesus Christ
would present him without spot or blemish
before the Lord his God.
The moment before he expired he fervently exclaimed
May the Lord Jesus Christ receive my spirit.
Surrounded by many witnesses of his resigned and peaceful death
he expired on the south lawn as he was being
carried to the house. Lamented most deeply by his family
and all who knew him, but more especially by the poor.Also of
Elizabeth Mary Agnes Lillingston
wife of Abraham Spooner Lillingston Esquire
only child and sole heiress of Luke Lillingston Esquire
of Ferriby Grange and Kirby Grindalith
in the County of York.
At the former place, the family monument still exists.
She was a most affectionate wife and mother
fondly beloved by all who knew her
by her peculiarly amiable and Christian temper and disposition.
She lived in the fear and love of God looking
steadfastly to the Lord Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour.
During an illness of some months her mind
calmly reposed on the hope that was laid up for her in Heaven.
She died without terror or alarm in full trust and
confidence in her redeemer on the VIth day of January MDCCCXXX
in the LIXth year of her age.
This lady was the great, great granddaughter
and sole representative of Colonel Henry Lillingston
of the Hague and faterwards of Bottisford
in Lincolnshire and Ferriby Grange in the County of York
who distinguished himself while serving under
General Monk during the Civil Wars.-
Richard Huss
Oops, replied to the wrong comment.
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Dave Walker
Splendid memorials. Could I get away with doing a cartoon that is just one lengthy memorial? Not sure.
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Richard Huss
Is there a “best comment spam” award?
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James Pitkin
Debates (endless) about the colours of carpet…cut the grass or establish a wild area…seasons of the year where flowers should be banned, or particular colours…flowers in the font…
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Archdruid Eileen
A wayside pulpit is surely a sign that your church has gone astray?
Offering a special service for people who want “five choruses or fewer”
When the UN have lined up people in blue berets down the aisle
The anniversary party for the debate about which wattage to use to replace the bulb in the loo
When the undertaker stops advertising in the church mag and just starts hanging around the place
And I’ve just thought of one I’m pinching for my own site…
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LankyAnglican
vicar uses rood screen to hang out his clerical vestments to dry
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Graham Ross
Betting slips in the offering
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Anne
Group of Sunday School teachers gathers for a planning meeting. One says, “Let’s open the meeting with a brief prayer.” Another says, “I really don’t feel comfortable with that…”
It really happened.
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Balaam
When the bells in the tower have been replaced by loudspeakers and a CD player. Then you find that someone has changed the CD of ringing the changes to “Bat out of Hell.”
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Pat
The whole congregation has to run around the Church until the music stops. The one left without a seat has to leave.
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Margaret
The sermon is on woe to the pharinsees for observing the letter of the laws – and then someone objects to the vicar afterwards because the person who read the bible reading from Luke was not ordained
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Patricia Brush
Fellowship time is longer than the service.
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Chris Austin Clark
BBC Radio 4/sermon switch on the hearing loop, a sign saying children may be seen but not heard, two lines at coffee one for the vicar and one against.
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Rosalind
This aisle reserved for racing electric buggies (as in OAP buggies)
parking for pushchairs
parking for wheelchairs
parking for shopping trolleys (contents unclear)
parking for bikes
parking for tandems…. -
julie ball
“Senior recognition” is a funeral service!
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Phil Ritchie
Get rid of church Bibles because there is nowhere to put them having got rid of the pews and bought some stackable chairs.
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piratepadre
When your noticeboard reads:
11:00 am Coffee
(preceded by Mass) -
Andrew
A noose on the end of the end of the bell-rope
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Dave Walker
PCC bingo
What words / phrases should appear on a PCC bingo card?
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Postordinandy
faculty, tree, can’t, must, warden, young people, sunday school, but we’ve always, chair, pew, biscuits, minutes, vote, used to, never, welcome, coffee, screen, action point, agree, youth worker, string, notice, Elsie, Paul, next meeting…
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Lunchtime O'Booze
“Deanery Synod”.
To this day I still don’t know what the Deanery Synod actually _does_.
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Pam Smith
‘We tried that once and it didn’t work’
‘Why can’t the clergy…’
‘People won’t like it’ -
Alan
We can’t afford parish share because…
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Richard Huss
Surely somebody could…
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Richard Huss
Why doesn’t the Vicar…
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Dave Walker
This one will almost certainly be one I do in the next week or two. Lots of great ones here, but the more suggestions the merrier.
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James Pitkin
Chairs, organ, choir, PA system fault, size of wafers (!), biscuits, children (noisy)…
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Richard Huss
Plucked at random from the draft minutes of the Elmdon Parochial Church Council meeting on 14th March 2012…
Unanimous, Common Fund, insurance, lead theft, stewardship, initiative, enthusiasm, parking, Electoral Roll, no progress, churchyard regulations, notice board, chairs, spring cleaning, many years’ hard work, heating, proposed, seconded, defer decision.
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Patricia Brush
Thank you for spelling out PCC. Now I get the joke! (We aren’t all from England.)
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Archdruid Eileen
lightbulb, parking, gardener, cleaner, internecine war, walk out, resignation, “in Old Fr Robert’s time”, “not the church I grew up in”, “bad coffee”, “light refreshments”, “decline”, “need more volunteers”,
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LankyAnglican
stewardship, sustainability, stolen lead, tradition, candles, money, dry rot, wet rot, slightly damp rot, notice boards, smart water, CCTV, vandalism, graffiti.
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Chris Austin Clark
We’ve always done it that way. I didn’t hear. Can we leave that until the next meeting. Have you seen Dave Walker’s Cartoon in the CT.
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Rosalind
mission audit; mission action plan; strap-line; “do you have a loo?”; terrier; visitation; FAir TRADe coffee; not fair Trade coffee; FairTrade chocolate; summer fair;autumn fair; Christmas fair; spring fair (no refreshments – it’sLent) ; banns
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piratepadre
“That’s a good idea; now, who would like to carry it out?” (Followed by long silence, and possibly tumbleweed.)
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pyco
treasurer, money, parish share, stewardship, drains, child protection, job description, lets finish with a glass of wine, refreshements are available, God, Jesus, prayer, (opening prayers excluded for these 3), magazine, outreach, overspend, gas bill, user groups,
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Chris
Concerns were raised … , re-ordering (!!) , buildings, church clock, noticeboards, CRB, next meeting, plurality (!), pattern of services, heat and light (!)
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Andrew
The last vicar never…
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Ann
The last vicar always…
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Ann
AOB (= any other beer)
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sarahW
fundraising, a vicar’s salary is only… so why is our common fund…?, reordering, DAC
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Dave Walker
Just to say a huge thanks for all these ideas. I’ve submitted this cartoon and it will be in this week’s CT. Most of the bingo card items were from this list.
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Sarah B
So if I create my bingo card now I might win tomorrow?
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piratepadre
No. The first rule of a PCC is that there are never any winners.
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Dave Walker
Spiritual directors
What do they do? What do you need to be one? Things seen in a spiritual director’s office.
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Postordinandy
Things seen: collection of intriguingly titled books, candle for mystical purposes, calendar of holy sites, comfy chair, uncomfy chair, dog
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Alan
Are they supposed to “do” anything? I thought they were just supposed to be.
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Fr. Aaron Orear
No idea. I’m a man. I don’t ask for spiritual directions.
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Kevin
I went for spiritual direction once. I arrived in one piece, but I still haven’t found my way home.
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tortoise
A Spiritual Director is a little lower than a Spiritual Executive Producer, but receives considerably more recognition and attention than, say, the Spiritual Key Grip.
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tortoise
“And the Academy Award for Best Spiritual Director goes to…”
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Margaret
Would the Holy Spirit get one for best VFX ( visual special effects)?
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James Pitkin
Listen…
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Pam Smith
Got a vision of that silly advert (Gaviscon?) with the woman in a uniform directing lots of traffic with ‘what a Feeling’ in the background.
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Archdruid Eileen
They stand on an island in the spiritual crossroads, directing the auras.
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Greenpatches
Yoda with a Nice Cup Of Tea
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pyco
things seen in their office – a collection of kisch jesus figures, box of lego, half burnt candle
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revruth
Box of hankies, clock in SD’s sight, holy books on prayer, and silk scarves scattered about their person. Perhaps a crystal ball?
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Dave Walker
How to protest against your bishop
Hide the collection money. Or…
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Kevin
Bishops? We still have Bishops…?
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Richard Hall
Placards on every fairway
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Fr. Aaron Orear
Preach the gospel, administer the sacraments, visit and anoint the sick, teach the faith, pronounce absolution, encourage the faithful and present the love of Christ to the community…but do so without any recourse to programs, vision statements or consultants.
Oops. Did I say that?
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BlackPhi
Surround him with sheep and see how good he really is with that fancy crook thing.
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BlackPhi
Or:
Block his way unless he moves diagonally across the church.
Or:
Buy him a red hat, with a copy of Jenny Joseph’s poem, Warning.
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Richard Huss
Deface his mitre
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Richard Huss
Place a whoopee cushion on his throne at the Chrism Eucharist.
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James Pitkin
Ask him if he is shortlisted for the post of Archbishop of Canterbury…
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LankyAnglican
the whole congregation wear episcopal purple when he comes to do a confirmation, and maybe silly pointy hats too.
Put a rabbit (or any other unexpected item) in his mitre – requires collusion with his chaplain. -
Graham Ross
If they stand on a black tile, stand on a white one.
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Pat
Ask him to Confirm all the timewasters in the hope that you never see them again.
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davidmtoll
Refuse to move him from the back row; advance knight instead
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Liz Hassall (@farliz)
Position the sanctuary lamp so that it knocks off his mitre as he processes back down the church. Seemed to work for us at last year’s confirmation, although I don’t know a) who positioned the lamp or b) what they were protesting about.
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Mary
Appoint him Warden of Readers
Hide his pointy hat and stick
Change your name by deedpoll to Bishop Bishop
Stalk him on Twitter
Invite him to preach on Trinity Sunday
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Dave Walker
Hello
I’m going to be posting cartoon ideas here on this site. Any contributions welcomed.
Mary, 
piratepadre, and 17 others are discussing. 
Andrew, 
revruth, 
pyco, 
oueed 11:52 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
remind them that all mortal flesh should keep silence
Pam Smith 12:37 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
A Heath Robinsonesque system of distraction leading to the exit
Phill 12:45 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Set up a timewasters committee.
BlackPhi 2:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Isn’t that a PCC (or church meeting, or any other denominational equivalent)?
Fr. Aaron Orear 1:04 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Introduce one time waster to another, and bring up whatever topics they waste time talking about. Walk away clean.
(Notice that we all seem to be interpreting “timewasters” as people? Is that disturbing?)
Mark 2:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Suggest they setup a Timewasters Lab web site and invite brainstorming.
BlackPhi 2:09 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
A spot on the floor, signposted Tempus Fugit. Get a timewaster to stand on it, pull the lever, and a kind of catapulty-thing flings them out of the nearest window.
Richard Huss 3:01 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Alternatively, credobaptist churches could have a very similar spot but on a trapdoor over the baptistry.
Richard Huss 3:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Set them to transcribe all the inscriptions on the memorials in church, promising to put the results of their labours on the web site.
tortoise 3:37 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
There’s an old joke to the effect that if you baptise them, you’ll never see them again.
Dave Walker 3:56 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Posting this here as I can’t comment everywhere… Lots of great ideas so far, thank you.
James Pitkin 4:11 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
Direct them to a a series of booths – different sorts of timewasters in each one
Archdruid Eileen 7:09 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink |
If you’re in a Church meeting, let off a smoke bomb and clear the building. If it’s the preacher, sleep through it. Arrange for the “timewasters’ mutual support group” to meet on Mondays and recommend they attend.
If it’s Twitter or Facebook, ban them from services.
Balaam 1:52 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink |
Have the “timewasters mutual support group” room vented to fill hot air baloons.
Come to think of it, this reply is timewasting
The Church Sofa 10:28 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink |
Are water guns allowed?
daisyanon 3:47 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink |
Maintain a permanent state of interregnum.
Tim Jack 5:12 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink |
I’ve long said that those with nothing to do often come by the church office to do it
KirstenM 7:43 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink |
Give them a name badge and assign them a special place to stand; near the Lady Chapel, beside the candle rack, near the organ pipes….
Phil Ritchie 3:43 pm on April 29, 2012 Permalink |
Join the Timewasters group and then waste their time by introducing significant items of church business.
piratepadre 4:17 am on April 30, 2012 Permalink |
Ordain them.
Sarah B 10:47 pm on May 3, 2012 Permalink |
Realising I am very late to the party but wishing to register my on-going interest – oh dear have I just become a timewaster on this list….
Mary 8:14 pm on May 4, 2012 Permalink |
Find someone who is less than tactful to tell them how much time they are wasting, and its fine to waste their own time but not everybody else’s?
Stand around sighing and looking at your watch?