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  • Dave Walker 11:18 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    Timewasters 

    …in your church. How to deal with them. [Interpret as you see fit]

     
    • oueed 11:52 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      remind them that all mortal flesh should keep silence

    • Pam Smith 12:37 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A Heath Robinsonesque system of distraction leading to the exit

    • Phill 12:45 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Set up a timewasters committee.

      • BlackPhi 2:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        Isn’t that a PCC (or church meeting, or any other denominational equivalent)?

    • Fr. Aaron Orear 1:04 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Introduce one time waster to another, and bring up whatever topics they waste time talking about. Walk away clean.

      (Notice that we all seem to be interpreting “timewasters” as people? Is that disturbing?)

    • Mark 2:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Suggest they setup a Timewasters Lab web site and invite brainstorming.

    • BlackPhi 2:09 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A spot on the floor, signposted Tempus Fugit. Get a timewaster to stand on it, pull the lever, and a kind of catapulty-thing flings them out of the nearest window.

      • Richard Huss 3:01 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        Alternatively, credobaptist churches could have a very similar spot but on a trapdoor over the baptistry.

    • Richard Huss 3:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Set them to transcribe all the inscriptions on the memorials in church, promising to put the results of their labours on the web site.

    • tortoise 3:37 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      There’s an old joke to the effect that if you baptise them, you’ll never see them again.

    • Dave Walker 3:56 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Posting this here as I can’t comment everywhere… Lots of great ideas so far, thank you.

    • James Pitkin 4:11 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Direct them to a a series of booths – different sorts of timewasters in each one

    • Archdruid Eileen 7:09 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      If you’re in a Church meeting, let off a smoke bomb and clear the building. If it’s the preacher, sleep through it. Arrange for the “timewasters’ mutual support group” to meet on Mondays and recommend they attend.

      If it’s Twitter or Facebook, ban them from services.

      • Balaam 1:52 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        Have the “timewasters mutual support group” room vented to fill hot air baloons.

        Come to think of it, this reply is timewasting :(

    • The Church Sofa 10:28 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Are water guns allowed?

    • daisyanon 3:47 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Maintain a permanent state of interregnum.

    • Tim Jack 5:12 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I’ve long said that those with nothing to do often come by the church office to do it

    • KirstenM 7:43 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Give them a name badge and assign them a special place to stand; near the Lady Chapel, beside the candle rack, near the organ pipes….

    • Phil Ritchie 3:43 pm on April 29, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Join the Timewasters group and then waste their time by introducing significant items of church business.

    • piratepadre 4:17 am on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Ordain them.

    • Sarah B 10:47 pm on May 3, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Realising I am very late to the party but wishing to register my on-going interest – oh dear have I just become a timewaster on this list….

    • Mary 8:14 pm on May 4, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Find someone who is less than tactful to tell them how much time they are wasting, and its fine to waste their own time but not everybody else’s?
      Stand around sighing and looking at your watch?

  • Dave Walker 11:15 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    Signs your church may have gone awry 

    Full PA system for a congregation of one. Or…

     
    • Rory Grant 11:29 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Running a children’s programme in the alzheimer’s ward

    • Pam Smith 12:38 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      ‘Private detectives’ as a budget item

    • Richard Hall 12:41 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      The vicar keeps fish in the font

    • Phill 12:45 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Copies of George Orwell’s 1984 instead of Bibles.

    • Alan 1:05 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Reserve list for the fabric committee and no one on the Ministry team

    • Fr. Aaron Orear 1:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A lot of empty rye bottles in the vicar’s office.

    • BlackPhi 2:04 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A PCC Agenda with two items: 1) ways to proclaim ‘good news’ to the local community; 2) support for C4M’s anti-gay-marriage petition.

      To be honest, 2) could be any one of a hundred incredibly inward-looking things.

    • Kevin 2:25 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Spending more on flowers than on the kids work.

    • Richard Huss 3:07 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      You have to put up a sign pointing people to the door, because the big one on the tower isn’t used. (Guilty as charged.)

      • Richard Huss 3:27 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        Sacred
        to the memory of
        Abraham Spooner Lillingston
        Esquire
        eldest son of Isaac and Barbara Spooner
        who took the name and arms of Lillingston
        by sign manual upon his marriage
        in the year MDCCXCVII.
        He died on the XXIX of May MDCCCXXXIV
        in the LXIVth year of his age.
        Possesed of a peculiarly energetic and investigating mind
        he devoted much of his time to scientific and philosophical pursuits.
        He had fled to Christ his saviour
        for pardon and acceptance with God
        and hence his chief aim was to do good both to the souls and
        bodies of all around him, and to live to the glory of God
        thus preparing daily for death and eternity.
        Having received a fatal blow by a tree rolling on him
        in the road near Whar Hall in this parish
        which stunned him for a time, but perfectly recovering his
        senses he lived for about an hour
        and though fully aware that he could not long survive
        he repeatedly expressed his perfect confidence in his saviour
        and his entire resignation to the will of God,
        calmly exhorting those around him to seek pardon
        through the same blessed redeemer : expressing the
        inward consolation which he derived
        from dependence on him
        and his steadfast trust that the Lord Jesus Christ
        would present him without spot or blemish
        before the Lord his God.
        The moment before he expired he fervently exclaimed
        May the Lord Jesus Christ receive my spirit.
        Surrounded by many witnesses of his resigned and peaceful death
        he expired on the south lawn as he was being
        carried to the house. Lamented most deeply by his family
        and all who knew him, but more especially by the poor.

        Also of
        Elizabeth Mary Agnes Lillingston
        wife of Abraham Spooner Lillingston Esquire
        only child and sole heiress of Luke Lillingston Esquire
        of Ferriby Grange and Kirby Grindalith
        in the County of York.
        At the former place, the family monument still exists.
        She was a most affectionate wife and mother
        fondly beloved by all who knew her
        by her peculiarly amiable and Christian temper and disposition.
        She lived in the fear and love of God looking
        steadfastly to the Lord Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour.
        During an illness of some months her mind
        calmly reposed on the hope that was laid up for her in Heaven.
        She died without terror or alarm in full trust and
        confidence in her redeemer on the VIth day of January MDCCCXXX
        in the LIXth year of her age.
        This lady was the great, great granddaughter
        and sole representative of Colonel Henry Lillingston
        of the Hague and faterwards of Bottisford
        in Lincolnshire and Ferriby Grange in the County of York
        who distinguished himself while serving under
        General Monk during the Civil Wars.

        • Richard Huss 3:27 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink

          Oops, replied to the wrong comment.

        • Dave Walker 4:05 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink

          Splendid memorials. Could I get away with doing a cartoon that is just one lengthy memorial? Not sure.

        • Richard Huss 7:15 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink

          Is there a “best comment spam” award?

    • James Pitkin 4:14 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Debates (endless) about the colours of carpet…cut the grass or establish a wild area…seasons of the year where flowers should be banned, or particular colours…flowers in the font…

    • Archdruid Eileen 7:12 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A wayside pulpit is surely a sign that your church has gone astray?

      Offering a special service for people who want “five choruses or fewer”

      When the UN have lined up people in blue berets down the aisle

      The anniversary party for the debate about which wattage to use to replace the bulb in the loo

      When the undertaker stops advertising in the church mag and just starts hanging around the place

      And I’ve just thought of one I’m pinching for my own site…

    • LankyAnglican 8:19 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      vicar uses rood screen to hang out his clerical vestments to dry

    • Graham Ross 11:41 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Betting slips in the offering

    • Anne 1:38 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Group of Sunday School teachers gathers for a planning meeting. One says, “Let’s open the meeting with a brief prayer.” Another says, “I really don’t feel comfortable with that…”

      It really happened.

    • Balaam 2:03 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      When the bells in the tower have been replaced by loudspeakers and a CD player. Then you find that someone has changed the CD of ringing the changes to “Bat out of Hell.”

    • Pat 11:20 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      The whole congregation has to run around the Church until the music stops. The one left without a seat has to leave.

    • Margaret 12:19 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      The sermon is on woe to the pharinsees for observing the letter of the laws – and then someone objects to the vicar afterwards because the person who read the bible reading from Luke was not ordained

    • Patricia Brush 2:26 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Fellowship time is longer than the service.

    • Chris Austin Clark 3:26 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      BBC Radio 4/sermon switch on the hearing loop, a sign saying children may be seen but not heard, two lines at coffee one for the vicar and one against.

    • Rosalind 9:37 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      This aisle reserved for racing electric buggies (as in OAP buggies)
      parking for pushchairs
      parking for wheelchairs
      parking for shopping trolleys (contents unclear)
      parking for bikes
      parking for tandems….

    • julie ball 1:33 am on April 29, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      “Senior recognition” is a funeral service!

    • Phil Ritchie 3:41 pm on April 29, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Get rid of church Bibles because there is nowhere to put them having got rid of the pews and bought some stackable chairs.

    • piratepadre 4:20 am on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      When your noticeboard reads:
      11:00 am Coffee
      (preceded by Mass)

    • Andrew 2:51 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A noose on the end of the end of the bell-rope

  • Dave Walker 11:10 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    PCC bingo 

    What words / phrases should appear on a PCC bingo card?

     
    • Postordinandy 11:28 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      faculty, tree, can’t, must, warden, young people, sunday school, but we’ve always, chair, pew, biscuits, minutes, vote, used to, never, welcome, coffee, screen, action point, agree, youth worker, string, notice, Elsie, Paul, next meeting…

    • Lunchtime O'Booze 11:28 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      “Deanery Synod”.

      To this day I still don’t know what the Deanery Synod actually _does_.

    • Pam Smith 12:36 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      ‘We tried that once and it didn’t work’
      ‘Why can’t the clergy…’
      ‘People won’t like it’

    • Alan 1:03 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      We can’t afford parish share because…

    • Richard Huss 3:03 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Surely somebody could…

    • Richard Huss 3:03 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Why doesn’t the Vicar…

    • Dave Walker 4:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      This one will almost certainly be one I do in the next week or two. Lots of great ones here, but the more suggestions the merrier.

    • James Pitkin 4:16 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Chairs, organ, choir, PA system fault, size of wafers (!), biscuits, children (noisy)…

    • Richard Huss 6:56 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Plucked at random from the draft minutes of the Elmdon Parochial Church Council meeting on 14th March 2012…

      Unanimous, Common Fund, insurance, lead theft, stewardship, initiative, enthusiasm, parking, Electoral Roll, no progress, churchyard regulations, notice board, chairs, spring cleaning, many years’ hard work, heating, proposed, seconded, defer decision.

      • Patricia Brush 2:17 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you for spelling out PCC. Now I get the joke! (We aren’t all from England.)

    • Archdruid Eileen 7:32 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      lightbulb, parking, gardener, cleaner, internecine war, walk out, resignation, “in Old Fr Robert’s time”, “not the church I grew up in”, “bad coffee”, “light refreshments”, “decline”, “need more volunteers”,

    • LankyAnglican 8:15 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      stewardship, sustainability, stolen lead, tradition, candles, money, dry rot, wet rot, slightly damp rot, notice boards, smart water, CCTV, vandalism, graffiti.

    • Chris Austin Clark 3:20 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      We’ve always done it that way. I didn’t hear. Can we leave that until the next meeting. Have you seen Dave Walker’s Cartoon in the CT.

    • Rosalind 9:47 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      mission audit; mission action plan; strap-line; “do you have a loo?”; terrier; visitation; FAir TRADe coffee; not fair Trade coffee; FairTrade chocolate; summer fair;autumn fair; Christmas fair; spring fair (no refreshments – it’sLent) ; banns

    • piratepadre 4:11 am on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      “That’s a good idea; now, who would like to carry it out?” (Followed by long silence, and possibly tumbleweed.)

    • pyco 9:42 am on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      treasurer, money, parish share, stewardship, drains, child protection, job description, lets finish with a glass of wine, refreshements are available, God, Jesus, prayer, (opening prayers excluded for these 3), magazine, outreach, overspend, gas bill, user groups,

    • Chris 12:07 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Concerns were raised … , re-ordering (!!) , buildings, church clock, noticeboards, CRB, next meeting, plurality (!), pattern of services, heat and light (!)

    • Andrew 2:48 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      The last vicar never…

    • Ann 3:09 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      The last vicar always…

    • Ann 3:10 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      AOB (= any other beer)

    • sarahW 10:57 am on May 1, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      fundraising, a vicar’s salary is only… so why is our common fund…?, reordering, DAC

    • Dave Walker 10:31 pm on May 1, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Just to say a huge thanks for all these ideas. I’ve submitted this cartoon and it will be in this week’s CT. Most of the bingo card items were from this list.

      • Sarah B 10:49 pm on May 3, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        So if I create my bingo card now I might win tomorrow?

        • piratepadre 2:55 am on May 5, 2012 Permalink

          No. The first rule of a PCC is that there are never any winners.

  • Dave Walker 11:10 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    Spiritual directors 

    What do they do? What do you need to be one? Things seen in a spiritual director’s office.

     
    • Postordinandy 11:30 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Things seen: collection of intriguingly titled books, candle for mystical purposes, calendar of holy sites, comfy chair, uncomfy chair, dog

    • Alan 1:04 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Are they supposed to “do” anything? I thought they were just supposed to be.

    • Fr. Aaron Orear 1:18 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      No idea. I’m a man. I don’t ask for spiritual directions.

    • Kevin 2:21 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I went for spiritual direction once. I arrived in one piece, but I still haven’t found my way home.

    • tortoise 3:04 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      A Spiritual Director is a little lower than a Spiritual Executive Producer, but receives considerably more recognition and attention than, say, the Spiritual Key Grip.

      • tortoise 3:06 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

        “And the Academy Award for Best Spiritual Director goes to…”

        • Margaret 12:22 pm on April 28, 2012 Permalink

          Would the Holy Spirit get one for best VFX ( visual special effects)?

    • James Pitkin 4:17 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Listen…

    • Pam Smith 4:53 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Got a vision of that silly advert (Gaviscon?) with the woman in a uniform directing lots of traffic with ‘what a Feeling’ in the background.

    • Archdruid Eileen 7:24 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      They stand on an island in the spiritual crossroads, directing the auras.

    • pyco 9:44 am on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      things seen in their office – a collection of kisch jesus figures, box of lego, half burnt candle

    • revruth 1:54 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Box of hankies, clock in SD’s sight, holy books on prayer, and silk scarves scattered about their person. Perhaps a crystal ball?

  • Dave Walker 11:04 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    How to protest against your bishop 

    Hide the collection money. Or…

     
    • Kevin 11:31 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Bishops? We still have Bishops…?

    • Richard Hall 12:44 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Placards on every fairway

    • Fr. Aaron Orear 1:15 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Preach the gospel, administer the sacraments, visit and anoint the sick, teach the faith, pronounce absolution, encourage the faithful and present the love of Christ to the community…but do so without any recourse to programs, vision statements or consultants.

      Oops. Did I say that?

    • BlackPhi 1:53 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Surround him with sheep and see how good he really is with that fancy crook thing.

    • BlackPhi 1:58 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Or:

      Block his way unless he moves diagonally across the church.

      Or:

      Buy him a red hat, with a copy of Jenny Joseph’s poem, Warning.

    • Richard Huss 3:04 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Deface his mitre

    • Richard Huss 3:05 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Place a whoopee cushion on his throne at the Chrism Eucharist.

    • James Pitkin 4:18 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Ask him if he is shortlisted for the post of Archbishop of Canterbury…

    • LankyAnglican 8:22 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      the whole congregation wear episcopal purple when he comes to do a confirmation, and maybe silly pointy hats too.
      Put a rabbit (or any other unexpected item) in his mitre – requires collusion with his chaplain.

    • Graham Ross 11:40 pm on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      If they stand on a black tile, stand on a white one.

    • Pat 11:17 am on April 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Ask him to Confirm all the timewasters in the hope that you never see them again.

    • davidmtoll 1:42 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Refuse to move him from the back row; advance knight instead

    • Liz Hassall (@farliz) 7:39 pm on April 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Position the sanctuary lamp so that it knocks off his mitre as he processes back down the church. Seemed to work for us at last year’s confirmation, although I don’t know a) who positioned the lamp or b) what they were protesting about.

    • Mary 8:18 pm on May 4, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Appoint him Warden of Readers
      Hide his pointy hat and stick
      Change your name by deedpoll to Bishop Bishop
      Stalk him on Twitter
      Invite him to preach on Trinity Sunday

  • Dave Walker 10:57 am on April 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    Hello 

    I’m going to be posting cartoon ideas here on this site. Any contributions welcomed.

     
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